Civility and Creating a More Civilized Workplace

I heard Bob Sutton being interviewed on KGO yesterday and immediately went and bought the book.  (He also writes at HuffPo and HarvardBizOnline)

If you've ever had an abusive boss or co-worker, this book will help you understand what  happened--or is happening in front of you.

As a society, we have become far less civil.  The idea that being rude, abrasive, and/or demanding means that you have "high standards" or are "driven toward excellence" has become an unquestioned assumption. 

The converse, that treating those around you with respect and dignity is a sign of weakness or loserdom, is also on the verge of being unquestioned.  Certainly, as the reviews of Sutton's book showed, objecting to uncivil behavior gets you labeled as a "crybaby" or clueless:  "A-holes are a part of life and the corporate landscape, and many times they contribute much more to the company's bottom line than a hundred well-wishing team players."

Or even: If you object to being around a-holes, you just don't have the cojones for this [job] [industry].

One of the best parts of Sutton's book is his research on the costs of jerkery to the company: how to calculate your organization's "Total Costs of A-Holes".

I'm hoping that Sutton is ahead of the curve and we really are going to see a shift in cultural values--toward civility and respect.

As Alex Wainer pointed out (in the post, What Would Dumbledore Do?)

Good manners have gotten a bad rap in the culture over the last few years; they are dismissed as a officious mask, or obstacle to “authenticity” for those who want to express themselves. But they are actually a means to expressing a disinterested benevolence to all people, most of whom are strangers we may meet only once but whose way may be made a bit easier by a sincerely expressed “please,” “thank-you,” or “pleased to meet you.” This is not a virtue one grows overnight, to be sure. As Aristotle pointed out, we become virtuous by practicing virtue. And a well-drawn character who is put to the test and passes it can provide food for my undernourished moral imagination.

TQ White II, in a comment on Mena Trott's blog:

On the contrary, you can always be nice, even when you are being honest. This idea that somehow rudeness or unkindness is intrinsic to an honest discussion is completely wrong. It also, I believe, is an attitude that is destroying our ability to have public discourse.

Manners, politeness, respect, cutting a person some slack, even overlooking some of one's own more petty points are all things that are perfectly consistent with honesty. Honesty requires not contradicting things you know to be true. It requires advancing viewpoints that you believe. It says nothing about the linguistic tactics.

dotBen's observations about the sort of realpolitik of being in a semi-public situation are wrong. No one should have to be able or willing to brave arbitrarily harsh attack merely to participate. dotBen and his ilk represent the typical, juvenile attitude of people that simply don't care who they hurt. That use 'honesty' as a sleight of hand to deflect attention from willingness to brutalize people in pursuit of their own goals - often that cannot be advanced in a reasonable way.

Previous writings on civility

Smart or Happy July 3 2004

Blog Civility December 2005

The Death of Civility January 13 2006

Rule of Three Interpretations February 3 2006

Rudeness February 4 2006

Civility and Dignity February 4 2006

Humility, Privilege February 13 2006

Craig Weller's Civility in Conflict April 11 2006

Blogs Can Talk Past Each Other April 15 2006

How to Disagree Online Without Being Disagreeable April 30 2006

Blog Civility: The Origins of the Online Integrity Pledge May 7 2006

Anonymous, Hate-Filled Speech March 27, 2007

Take Back the Blog April 28 2007

Others:

Public Rudeness from January 2004
Survey on Public Rudeness from 2002
Cathy Seipp, Public Rudeness, December 2005
Tim Blair collected examples, December 2005
Ben Witherington: Mind Your (Blog) Manners
What Would Dumbledore Do? from The Culture Beat
Rising Rudeness in Japan
The Means' Blog: Rudeness Rampant
Rudeness and the Moral Barometer by Brad Rourke
A whole website: Rudebusters
Cinnamon Stillwell: Where Have All the Manners Gone?  June 2005
Betsy Palmierei: Are Women Smarter?

Treppenwitz: Rules of Civility

Comments

[Joel Sax]

I think that being polite and civil means that you have high standards.

There's a mean balance to be had here -- you can't either be too nice or too mean. There's a kind of asshole who labors to prevent discussion using passive aggressive techniques that needs to be addressed as well.

[Jack]

That sounds like an interesting book. I am interested in reading it. I have certainly noticed the change in civility and am ashamed to say that I see myself adopting some very bad habits.