I Speak of Dreams

Life List

It is the shortest day of the year, a good time to think of increase. Here's an article on how to dream big.

Generating Gratitude

This is the selfish and entitled society. "What have you done for me lately?" "I deserve MORE!". But some people are rowing upstream, by cultivating gratitude, humility, and service.

I think I've told you before about Naikan, the , and Constructive Living

Positive Psychology has a ritual of gratitude also, called the gratitude letter.

Verbal Abuse

The post is about Patricia Evans's model of verbal abuse. I don't care for the "oh, poor me" tone of much of Evan's writing, and how she demonizes the abuser.
On the other hand, my mother (in particular) used a lot of the strategies Evans outlines. I would have been better off if I'd learned to recognize and counter them earlier.

Part III How to Disagree Without Being Disagreeable

Part I (previous  post)
Part II (this post)
Part III (last post)

In Part One, we took an overview of language use:  discussing what is hostile langugage, the cost of using hostile language, and the necessity--or rather, the lack thereof--of hostile language.

In a href="http://lizditz.typepad.com/i_speak_of_dreams/2004/06/part_ii_how_to_.html">Part Two, we went over three Fundamentals of hearing and defusing conflict: Detachment, Listening and Metaphor--how to get to the ability to detach (or differentiate); how to cultivate our listening skills; and how the underlying metaphor(s) people use impact communication.

Here in Part Three, we are discussing the four techniques: "Satir Mode", Presuppositions, Managing Verbal Attack Patterns, and tension and rapport managment.

Part II How to Disagree Without Being Disagreeable

Part I (previous  post)
Part II (this post)
Part III (last post)

Part I is the Overview, in which we discuss what is hostile langugage, the cost of using hostile language, and the necessity--or rather, the lack thereof--of hostile language.

In Part Two,  we are discussing more about hostile language, and the three Fundamentals to staying with a conflict. : Detachment, Listening, and Metaphors.

Part Three discusses  the four techniques: "Satir Mode", Presuppositions, Managing Verbal Attack Patterns, and tension and rapport managment.

Part I How to Disagree Without Being Disagreeable

I have been reading Suzanne Hadin Elgin's How to Disagree Without Being Disagreeable.  I found that in order to master her points, I had to outline the book.  This is not because of her poor writing, it is because my ingrained defensiveness makes it hard for me to comprehend and master what she has to say.

I found Elgin's approach easy to learn, and her book easy to read.  I am recommending it to anyone who wants to learn how to be a better leader and better communicator, and anyone who wants to learn how NOT to get sucked into recursive arguments, and who doesn't believe that shouting or foul language is necessary to make a point.

(Here is Elgin's Verbal Self Defense homepage; here is the How Stuff Works start page for verbal self defense; here is an interview with Elgin about her science fiction writing .  If you enjoy all this, go back to Elgin's introductory page and explore for more.)

Part I (this post)
Part II (next post)
Part III (last post)

Changing Negative Thought Patterns

Wow--who knew? I am a believer in Positive Psychology, and stumbled across this McGill site by accident:

Imagine you could play a computer game for five minutes each morning that would help you feel more secure and confident in yourself. Our research shows that people may be able to change the negative thought patterns that sometimes produce insecurity. We are now examining whether over time, with practice, people can develop positive, beneficial habits of thought to help them become more secure and self-confident on a long term basis -- whether in the context of their working life, their personal relationships, or their overall sense of well being. To discuss research collaborations or possible applications of this research, contact us.

A Good Idea, But The Execution?

John Perry Barlow, modern Renaissance man--Grateful Dead lyricist, cattle rancher, co-founder of the Electronic Frontier Foundation, consultant etc. etc. The one thing he hasn't is take good care of the body:

Over the surprisingly lengthy span of my life, I've drunk enough to float a tanker, smoked like Rumanian industrial zone, eaten like an average American, and eschewed most forms of regular exercise beyond dancing in bars. I've treated my body like one of the pickups I used to drive when I was ranching. High speeds, rough roads, no mercy.

Now he's turned himself over to bread and circuses

I have agreed to allow my restoration process to be televised on the Discovery Channel. On this show, my body will be the equivalent of the house in "This Old House" or the motorcycle in "Monster Chopper." If I fail, I will do so very publicly. Not cool.
[snip]
My restorers are the personnel of The Canyon Ranch, an absurdly upscale spa, with manifestations in Tucson, the Berkshires, and aboard the Queen Mary II. They are operating under the specific guidance of Dr. Mark Liponis, co-author of the recently published Ultra-Prevention, written with his co-director of Canyon Ranch medical services, Dr. Mark Kleman.

This is making me shake my head, and I am not sure why. Is this any different than the endless makeover/shapeup articles in all the personal health type magazines? But maybe because it is televised?....I have become more and more suspicious of the tv/video media. Barlow says, "what if I fail?". I wonder, how would the show depict failure? How will the show cover the inevitable temptation to indulge (in whatever). I know from my own recent cessation of smoking, the moment of temptation and the effort to turn away doesn't make good theater. It is quiet, internal, small.

On the other hand, I do wish JPB the very best, and will be intrigued to see what works and what doesn't.

P.S.: I know one thing that is making me a little skeptical: a radical change in diet usually isn't sustainable, a small reduction usually works.

Neat Site on Personal Growth Issues

Statements about resiliency:

Resiliency is about who you are while stress management is about what you do.
Resiliency occurs on a continuum (it's not an either/or proposition).
Resiliency is related to a person's overall growth and development.
Our level of resiliency (at that moment) is evident in how we respond to a stressor.
Resiliency grows through healthy resonses to stressors.
So, how we handle the storm not only reveals our current level of resiliency, it also can build it up

The Essence of Differentiation

There is an important idea to make more mainstream: Murray Bowen’s notion of differentiation, which indicates the ability to be emotionally objective, that is, to be caring and intimate, while being nonreactive and separate

A person with a well-differentiated "self" recognizes his realistic dependence on others, but he can stay calm and clear headed enough in the face of conflict, criticism, and rejection to distinguish thinking rooted in a careful assessment of the facts from thinking clouded by emotionality. Thoughtfully acquired principles help guide decision-making about important family and social issues, making him less at the mercy of the feelings of the moment. What he decides and what he says matches what he does. He can act selflessly, but his acting in the best interests of the group is a thoughtful choice, not a response to relationship pressures. Confident in his thinking, he can either support another's view without being a disciple or reject another view without polarizing the differences. He defines himself without being pushy and deals with pressure to yield without being wishy-washy.

Why is this important for parenting? Because when your kid throws a hissy fit, you don't get hooked; you can stay calm.

What does this have to do with The Epidemic (my post and Shaw's page)? The over-indulging parents aren't differentiated from their kids--they percieve the kids as extensions of their own selves, and give the kids what the parent wanted in phantasy.

In other words, the spoiling parents don't stop and reflect, they just do.