More Joy In Your Family

Hello! What This Blog is All About

My name is Liz Ditz.  I help parents refine their approaches to parenting, using the approaches developed by the Love and Logic Institute and others. 

I have a particular interest in working with families where one or more of the children struggle in school.

The Love and Logic^SM approach will help you, the parent, yell less, feel less frustrated, and will help your children reach their potential.  In short, bring more joy to your family.

I am based  in the San Francisco Bay Area, but am available for telephone consultation for families living farther away.

The best way for you to contact me originally is through email: lizditz@gmail.com.  We can correspond and find a time that's mutually convenient to meet in person or over the phone.

Here's a simple answer to "what is the Love and Logic^SM approach?"

Q: What is Love and Logic^SM?

A: Love and Logic^SM is a philosophy of raising and teaching children which allows adults to be happier, empowered, and more skilled in the interactions with children. Love allows children to grow through their mistakes. Logic allows children to live with the consequences of their choices. Love and Logic^SM is a way of working with children that puts parents and teachers back in control, teaches children to be responsible, and prepares young people to live in the real world, with its many choices and consequences.

Below the fold, TLove and Logic^SM in 30 seconds.  More at Love and Logic Institute Frequently Asked Questions, and on this blog, using links to the right.

The Neighbors From Hell

Five months ago, Gary and Marla Trussle, bought a house on a cul-de-sac in the Venzano development in San Marcos, CA.  Gary is a pilot for Continental Airlines, and the Trussles have two children, Olivia and Spencer, who is four and has autism.

Somewhere along the way, Spencer was being bullied by a neighbor's child.  Gary Trussle had words with the child's father.  One neighbor, Sarah Fisher, responded by reporting

the Trussles to Child Protective Services. She called Gary Trussle's employer, Continental Airlines, where he's a captain. She also made a call to 911, claiming he couldn't control his young children.

Subsequently, Fisher and two other neighbors,  Danielle Harway and Kelly Plaster filed suits. Each suit asked that the Trussle family "be restricted to their own home and driveway."

Fortunately, the suits were thrown out and the three litigants were " ordered to reimburse the Trussles' legal fees, which top $12,000."

Sources
KGTV San Diego April 27, 2009

That Doesn't Hurt!

As a parent, I've had the urge to tell one or the other of my kids on many occasions, "That doesn't hurt" "Don't let that bother you" "Don't be so sensitive"  and the like.  But I hated it when my mother would say such things, so I bit my tongue.

But the thing is, kids often do create a scene over very, very little. I can't tell you how many bandaids I've put on over invisible injuries.  And some people are very sensitive to texture (like how "itchy" some fabrics are).

After John F. Kennedy was killed, one of the family said,  (as I recall, Ethel) "Kennedys don't cry".    In other words, don't show your feelings.  It was American style of parenting (at least in some circles) to minimize the expression of pain and to diminish those who did show pain.

There are 101 other, better  ways to respond to a child who appears to be over-reacting.

Remember, all behavior is communication.  So if your child is making a big event out of a small (or non-existent) injury, how much better to say:

"Wow.  That appears to hurt you a lot.  Anything you want me to do?"

The narcissistic parent, upon injuring you, almost always blames you for the injury or the hurt.

Parenting Solved: The Encopresis Epidemic

Link: Parenting Solved: The Encopresis Epidemic.

Watch where you sit, there’s an encopresis epidemic underway. For the uniformed, encopresis is the medical term for accidental fecal soiling. In most children it occurs when stool backs up into the colon and leading to impaction and dilation of the rectum. We are dependent on subtle stretching of the rectal vault in order to tell us when something’s there. Kids with constipation lose rectal sensation and consequently lose their stool. It’s a humiliating condition often misunderstood as a psychiatric problem.

And it would seem to be more common than previously thought.

A new study from the University of Iowa published late last year estimated the prevalence (the percentage of the population with a particular condition) of encopresis in U.S. kids at 4.4%. Based on recent census bureau information for children between four and fourteen years of age it would appear that there are approximately 1.9 million children in the United States with encopresis.

Traumatic Brain Injury in Those Under 18

Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) Central had published a 17-page brochure providing

a general overview of how schools can best meet the needs of students with TBI. It is not an in-depth training manual, but instead highlights what educators and advocates for children with TBI need to know about maximizing the educational experiences of students who have suffered an injury to the brain. These children need to be identified in schools, assessed appropriately and taught in ways that fully address their cognitive and behavioral challenges, while capitalizing on their strengths.

Would You Ask Your Doctor To Lie For You?

Some parents in New York City felt it was fine to ask their doctor to lie about their childrens' immunization status. The doctor had no problem lying either.  Would you trust a pediatrician like that?  Would you ask your doctor to lie for you?  Under what conditions? New York Post: Doctor Fesses Up

An Upper West Side pediatrician who conspired with families to get their young kids into school without state-mandated shots has been disciplined in the first case of its kind in New York, The Post has learned. Dr. Mark Nesselson was fined $10,000 by a state disciplinary panel this month and told he can practice only under supervision. He admitted to state charges of falsifying forms for four children in two families. The 50-year-old pediatrician told The Post he's done the same for at least a handful of other families over the years.

The cheating was discovered when Nesselson moves to another state, and the parents migrated to a new physician, who did not share Nesselson's views on fraudulent reporting. Here's what one of the parents had to say"

A Manhattan mother of two for whom Nesselson falsified records said she did not want her kids to have the shot for measles, mumps and rubella - the MMR vaccine - until they were older.

As I understand it, the reason for immunizing infants against the diseases are twofold: the <12 month set tends to have more serious illness if those diseases are contracted, and for reasons of convenience and compliance: the immunizations have to be given on a schedule, and the infant is probably already being seen for well-baby checkups.

The worried mom said since the family never traveled and the diseases were rare in New York, she didn't feel she was putting her kids or others at risk. "The form was filled out," she said of the falsified record. "We knew what we were doing." She said her children had the vaccine when they were older - after they entered school.

I'm not a New York state resident, so I don't know what the regulations are.  They may apply to pre-school. California allows "personal belief" exemptions from immunization. California does not require either pre-school or kindergarten, but does require students to attend school once they turn six, and   requires  immunization once enrolled:

The California School Immunization law requires that all children entering school receive proper immunizations to protect them from serious illness and to prevent the spread of communicable diseases: polio, measles, rubella, mumps, hepatitis B, varicella (chickenpox), diphtheria, tetanus, haemophilus influenzae type b (Hib meningitis), and whooping cough.

Although I don't think it is of much benefit to the child, I don't have a quarrel with parents who decide to delay immunization until the child is older than the APA's suggested immunization schedule,  or who decide to go the much more expensive route of individual inoculations  (ie, inoculating only for mumps, then for measles, then for rubella, for example).  I do have a problem with parents sending un-vaccinated kids to school, and lying about it.

Anne Ford Talks about Helicopter Parenting

click here Link: Anneford2.mp3 (audio/mpeg Object).

What A Special Education Lawyer and Parent Has Learned from Two Years of Blogging

Link: Special Education Law Blog: Lessons Learned From the Blog at the 2 Year Anniversary.

1. People need, crave and love humor; an especial thanks in this department goes out to my wife, Lori Miller Fox, who is far and away funnier than I can ever hope to be. Laughter is the balm for the profound pain that so many of us experience each day;
2. Too many school people (by no means all) can not laugh at themselves and are incredibly sensitive to rebuke even if expressly not directed at them. The amount of hrrmphing over the years has been remarkable.
3. Parents need and have a right to plain spoken guidance and in many cases will use that information to pierce the veil of misinformation and get a FAPE for their child;
4. There is an ongoing need to uncover the persistant myths of special education:

• cases are brought to due process at the hands of money hungry unscrupulous attorneys;
• special education is draining the education system;
• school people are above reproach and never hit, lie, cheat, perjure or steal;
• to provide a FAPE would bankrupt the system (when so often there are cheap readily available answers and remedies which only require an attitude  adjustment;

The golden rules (among others) have been and remain:

• be creative,
• stay focused,
• look for the win-win answer at all costs, and
• document crucial facts

This post appears at I Speak of Dreams and More Joy in Your Family

The Mentor Mom: Go To Your Room, Solved

Jill Urbane is The Mentor Mom.  She recently had a parent ask a question on her blog:

So I am taking you up on your offer to ask questions, so here goes:  I have a five year old very stubborn boy.  We are working with him on not talking back and the whole respect thing and in the meantime he is driving me crazy.  I am getting pretty frustrated when I tell him go to your room and he automatically comes back with - no.  Then he won't go or he goes part way or shakes his head at me.   

He is too big to spank which I am sure I am not supposed to being doing anyway.  Threats to take things away don't work.  I feel like I am at my wits end and need a good leather belt (just kidding).  But seriously, what is a mom to do?   Thanks in advance for any help!  - Steph

She had a very good response, focusing on The Energy Drain technique.  Go read and come back.  Below the fold, my additions.

Like a Long Talk With A Wise Friend

I was sent a copy of Anne Ford's new book, On their Own: Creating an Independent Future for Your Adult Child with Learning Disabilities and ADHD (ISBN: 978-1-55704-725-0);^{amazon; barnes & noble;   kepler's ;} previous post on the book here.

I recommend it very highly to all parents of kids with cognitive and learning differences, no matter the age of your child.  It is packed with sound information, .  Reading it, I felt like I was having a long talk with a wise, older friend.

The Single Parent School Board : Terrible Mother on Offsprung.com

Link: The Single Parent School Board : Terrible Mother on Offsprung.com.

This morning I entertained a third, rather annoyed, and certainly pointed, email from a parent of Thing Two’s class. There is a Halloween pizza party tomorrow and I, with the back surgery, the visiting drug-finding mother, and the filling out of various forms of insurance and disability, have neglected to send the boy to school with the requisite $2.00. I understand the frustration of the mother organizing the event; probably if the parents don’t cough up the dough (ha! I kill me), she’ll have to, and who wants to be the Pizza Party Martyr? Sounds like a dumb gig to me. And she doesn’t know the circumstances of most of the parents, and I’m sure she doesn’t know I had back surgery, and Jesus Christ in the lunch line, I get her annoyance and pointedness, I do. But truth? I miss lots of deadlines. Not all of them, and I get most of the important ones, but even sans the opening of my back for medical purposes, and the subsequent visit from the mother, I probably would have been one of the parents turning it in late.

Have you ever run across other mothers like this?