What is Wrong with this Story?

Feb 5, 2004: I have significantly altered this post, because I was thoughtless when I first put it up. I wronged the good people that I wrote about originally, because I treated them like characters out of a novel, not real people. You can't hurt the feelings of characters--they don't have objective reality. It's like I went into a stranger's house and yelled, "you are bad parents". That was wrong, and I apologize.

I read a story today on a mom's blog that made me wince. The people in the story are the mom and dad and their 7 year-old son (their only child). The situtation was that the parents wanted the son to go to school, and the child didn't want to go. In fact, he was quite clear about his determination not to go. In the past, they had used threats (if you don't do that, I will...) and punishments (taking away privileges, like TV).

Eventually, the parents got the kid in the car, dressed. This and as they were driving to school equivocated, the mom partially gave into the kid, telling the kid that if he'll try school out for just 15 minutes, if he doesn't like it he doesn't have to stay.

Sure enough, the kid bails after 15 minutes--complaining about aches and pains and this and that--and the parents come to rescue him.

And in the end of the story, the mom is happy because she has "solved conflict" with her son.

What I see is that the parents have given their kid several lessons, but probably not the ones they think they did:

• The parents don't have the will power or the cleverness to get him to do what he has to do.
• If the kid resists enough, he will be able to defy his parents. This is a little deal at seven--no money, no wheels, and no real independence, but it is a gigantic deal at sixteen and above.
• He can manipulate the parents by ficticious "illness".

What made me wince in this story is that the mom thought she had engineered a big success. How could it be different?

Well, junior walks in and says "I am not going to school." [the unstated thing is "and you can't make me"]. So the kid is saying "want to fight over control?"

One of the classic Love & Logic enforceable statements would be to say something like:

"Well, my car is leaving for school in 10 minutes. "

And then the parent uses a choice statement, to give the kid some control:

It's your choice, do you want to go in the car with your clothes on or in your pajamas?"

--then you really have to follow through, including carrying the pj-clad kid to the car.

But the secret here is that you carry the kid to the car in a nonchalant, cheerful manner--you don't argue, yell, scold, or demean. You just carry the kid.

Now, usually, that's enough for the kid to say "Wow, mom & dad don't mess around." But he might manifest some screaming on the way to the car, or even some "you don't love me any more" or "you are so mean." You can either just totally ignore the kid's verbalizations, or go for

"Oh, I'm sure it seems that way" or "Bummer" --you acknowledge the kid's feelings, but don't react to them.

There are many things about Love and Logic that are misunderstood. One is about choices and control. The choices you give the kid have to be ones you are happy with "Do you want to get out of the tub now, or in 5 minutes?" "Do you want to wear the blue socks or the red socks?"---not choices that you can't live with.

All good parents want to raise happy, self-motivated, responsible kids. Sometimes our dreams and desires get in the way. We want so much for our children to be happy, we forget that some frustration, conflict, disappointment, and other unpleasant experiences are necessary to experience true happiness. ,

Another surprising part is how our parental anger and frustration can perpetuate the kid's misbehavior. This chart makes it easier to see how this cycle works.

I think there is, indeed, an epidemic of joyless, hostile kids out there. One contributing factor is well-intentioned parents, who give their kids more control that the kids need or can use.

Comments

[Leah Davies, author]

For more information on Love and Logic see:
http://www.kellybear.com/TeacherArticles/TeacherTip46.html