Taking Marriage Seriously

Preamble: I believe that good parents stay married. There are few exceptions (physical abuse, sexual abuse, addiction).

The state of California has,as of 1/1/2004, added qualifications a person must satisfy before earning a license to drive. The previous modifications have lowered the teen death rate by some enormous proportion (too lazy to find the exact citations).

But there are NO education, practice, or testing required before acquiring a marriage license.

It may be that making divorce more difficult would lower the marriage rate while not changing (or increasing) the number of babies born to unmarried (or worse yet, unconnected) couples.

I don't have an answer, other than saying banning same-sex marriages ain't even in the ball park.

What would a more serious approach to marriage look like?

John O'Sullivan thinks that what gay people want is "temporary marriage"--modern American marriage with no fault divorce.

My suspicion is that a great many grooms would be left waiting at the municipal altar. It is not lifelong commitment that the couples seek, but the revolving door of modern marriage with no-fault divorce.

I don't know if he is correct or just beating gay folks with the "promiscuous" stick. I don't have the data. He is conservative, but has some commonsense proposals.

After Britney's "marriage", Ellen Goodman wrote:

Now repeat the question family law professor Martha Minow asks: "Is this the moment to stand back and ask not who should get married but how to get married?" Should we be more worried about thoughtless, instant, throwaway marriages than same-sex marriages?

Goodman wrote about "throwaway marriages." The childless, brief marriage is probably not a concern of the state (or community), but the trashed marriage with minor children surely is.

E. J. Graff, a lesbian, began despising marriage as "patricarchial oppression" and grew to regard marriage as a complex social, psychological and historical institutioin

So the history of marriage is the history of debate and change and disagreement.

Graff, by the way, has a neat rebuttal to the "if we allow same-sex marriage, next we'll have polygamy:

Essentially, same-sex marriage can only happen in a society that considers men and women to be not the same but equal. Polygamy, on the other hand, thrives only in societies where men are in charge and consider their wives part of their property. So philosophically, polygamy and same-sex marriage are completely opposed. One is feminist and one is patriarchal in the root sense of the word.

(Here's the link to purchase the book.

Writing in Crisis Magazine, Wade Horn reviews the literature on marriage and marriage education:

Twelve leading family scholars recently concluded from evidence gathered by social scientists that “marriage is more than a private emotional relationship. It’s also a social good. Not every person can or should marry. And not every child raised outside of marriage is damaged as a result. But communities where good marriages are common have better outcomes for children, women, and men than do communities suffering from high rates of divorce, unmarried childbearing, and high-conflict or violent marriages” (Why Marriage Matters: 21 Conclusions from the Social Sciences).

Some of the programs he reviews are secular, and some are faith-based. Really good data on the effectiveness of premarital education programs are hard to acquire. He concludes the review with a call to action:

We don’t know as much as we’d like about how to help at-risk couples create healthy marriages, but that must not stop us from taking action. The need is there, and it’s time to close the marriage gap between rich and poor. People who care about the future of this society—about social equality, about fighting poverty, about the welfare of our children—cannot sit idly by as the marriage gap grows wider. We have enough solid empirical evidence to make a preemptive strike and begin launching marriage demonstration programs right now

There's a website, Smart Marriages that rounds up a lot of marriage and divorce prevention resources. John Guttman, who has studied successful marriages intensively, also has a website.

Is it time to revisit no-fault (easy quick divorce)? Prior to about 1975, in order for a divorce to be granted, a partner had to prove "fault"--that is, some kind of violation of the marriage contract. N

Writing in First Things, the journal of religion nad public life, Maggie Gallagher and Barbara Dafoe Whitehead respectively advocated and opposed ending no fault divorce.

Nolo Press, the do-it-yourself-legal publishers, also publish a guide to various forms of divorce.

Reforming no-fault divorce: some resources:

From Florida: Where a couple with no minor children mutually agree to dissolve the bonds between them, the present no-fault system can operate fairly. But where married couples with minor children seek divorce, a closer look needs to be taken at the no-fault system to ensure that the interests of the child are protected. Some states have proposed that no-fault divorce be replaced by the traditional fault system when children are involved or when one party objects to the divorce. Others have suggested that a mandatory cooling-off period for counseling, reflection, and mediation be required in hopes that more marriages will survive. Whether these are the best solutions, few could answer. However, they do merit good, common-sense debate.
From ColoradoColorado's divorce rate has exceeded the national average for the last forty years. Isn't it time to stop the destruction wrought by no-fault divorce? The Rocky Mountain Family Council is advocating a three-fold strategy to deal with the no-fault divorce problem Step One is getting people to talk about the failure of no-fault divorce. Newspaper ads and radio and TV spots will help to focus the divorce debate where it belongs: on the individuals hurt by no-fault divorce. Step Two involves avoiding bad marriages before they start, and mentoring couples after they are married. Seventy percent of first marriages are blessed in a church or synagogue. Pastors, priests and rabbis must begin requiring engaged couples to undergo a minimum of premarital counseling before they can be married. Step Three involves reforming no-fault divorce laws. Under the current system, it is easier to divorce your spouse of 30 years than it is to fire an employee of only one week. In many states across the country, legislatures are examining the no-fault system. Reform of the law is already underway, with post-divorce counseling and parenting plans already required in a number of states. What remains is to adopt legislation abolishing unilateral no-fault divorce. The party filing for divorce would need to demonstrate fault, such as physical abuse, chemical dependency, imprisonment, or adultery.

Policy Review in 1996, reviewed several states
Michigan. State representative Jessie Dalman has put forth a package of marriage and divorce reforms, most notably abolishing unilateral no-fault divorce -- whether or not children are involved. Her plan would still allow no-fault if both parties agree to the divorce, but if one party objects, the person filing would need to demonstrate fault -- namely adultery, desertion, physical or mental abuse, drug or alcohol addiction, or incarceration for more than three years. Dalman also wants to encourage premarital counseling for marriage-license applicants, improve enforcement of child support, and require couples with children to receive divorce counseling before filing for divorce and to submit a "parenting plan" to the court. The bill, vigorously supported by Republican governor John Engler, is scheduled for a vote in late April. The Michigan Family Forum, a nonprofit research group in Lansing, laid the intellectual groundwork for the legislation. It recently published "Breaking up Is Easy To Do," a short but useful guide to the history of divorce reform in Michigan and across the nation. Full of statistics and references to important resources, it's a great tool for educating activists and lawmakers. The Michigan Family Forum can be reached at 517-374-1171.

Idaho. Representative Tom Dorr has introduced The Justice in Family Law Act, which would require mutual consent in all divorces filed on grounds of irreconcilable differences -- most states' version of no-fault divorce -- whether or not children are present. Because Idaho does not recognize legal separation, however, critics voiced concern about spouses caught in abusive relationships. Dorr has added a bill that establishes legal separation. Although both bills are expected to die in committee this session, they will probably become a top conservative caucus issue for the 1997 session. For information, call Dennis Mansfield, the executive director of the Idaho Family Forum, at 208-376-9009.

Georgia. Representative Brian Joyce's bill to remove "irretrievable breakdown" as grounds for divorce was killed in committee this March, but he intends to introduce it again next year. (No-fault would still be permissible if both parties agreed and no minor children were involved.) After talking with representatives from the Georgia chapter of the National Organization for Women, Joyce added provisions that would allow a unilateral no-fault divorce for spouses involved in physically abusive marriages. Brian Joyce can be reached at 404-656-0265.

Iowa. Despite the support of Republican governor Terry Branstad, a bill similar to Michigan's was killed in the house in March. Lawmakers vow to reintroduce the legislation next year. For more information, contact state representatives Charles Hurley and Danny Carroll at 515-281-3221

With the San Francisco same-sex marriage boom, let us again support marriage.

Comments

see truemarriage.net

[steven davies]

I am happy in my current marriage,but I know what is to be depressed,so for some people a loving divorce can be a good outcome.

[hawaii insurance company]

When you want a happy marriage you need to find the thing that sticks the two of you together - like glue!

[marky]

I think a lot of people enter marriage with an improper mindset such as "if it doesn't work out, we will divorce". http://www.divorceguide.com>In order to get past the pain and misery that you are feeling right now, you will need to learn children and divorce.