The Uses of Conflict

Some people seem to use the word "conflict" as if it is always negative and unhealthy and violent, while others of us use the word in a more nuanced way, meaning a way toward greater understanding and insight, or even intimacy.

The definition:
http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=conflict&r=67

con·flict Audio pronunciation of conflict ( P ) Pronunciation Key (knflkt)
n.

1. A state of open, often prolonged fighting; a battle or war.


2. A state of disharmony between incompatible or antithetical persons, ideas, or interests; a clash.


3. Psychology. A psychic struggle, often unconscious, resulting from the opposition or simultaneous functioning of mutually exclusive impulses, desires, or tendencies.


4. Opposition between characters or forces in a work of drama or fiction, especially opposition that motivates or shapes the action of the plot.

Asking google to find me "conflict is healthy when" leads to

Conflict Resolution Center International, which seems to be a center for helping congregations resolve problems within themselves, as is This site

A woman named Rosalind Diamond wrote an essay "Welcoming Conflict: Conflict Resolution as a Creative Process", which I haven't been able to find. It is referenced and quoted in several places.

"The first step...is assisting people to see that conflict is...an inherent part of our human condition...full of creative potential, [bringing] forth a profound commitment to empowering each other, and to encouraging the utilization of all of our constructive capacities as human beings. In fact...it is not possible to have closeness without times of conflict."

To come to such a realization is, of course, quite difficult.

"Many people define the word 'peace' as the absence of conflict," comments Midwest-based Methodist minister Larry Homitsky. "That's wrong. Conflict is healthy -- when it, like peace, is the balance of all tensions. After all, if a body is completely without conflict, or tension, it's dead. It's only that pressure -- the tension, the conflict -- that enables the body to live."

The Gottman Institute is about relationships

[I]t is our mission to reach out to families in order to help create and maintain greater love and health in relationships. We are committed to an ongoing program of research that increases the understanding of relationships and adds to the development of interventions that have been carefully evaluated. Dr. John Gottman, has learned what really makes marriages work by studying and following over 3,000 couples in three decades of research.

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# Develop your problem-solving skills, including the four techniques of effective conflict resolution:

• Softened Start-up,


• Accepting Influence,


• Repair Work, and


• De-escalation

But there is also conflict between people in the workplace. (If you need help here, Wilmot has a consulting practice.

According to the book “Interpersonal Conflict” by William W. Wilmot and Joyce L. Hocker (6th edition, 2001; seems to be something of a classic in the field), the six building blocks of constructive conflict are:

• Flexibility and growth. In constructive conflict, people try new strategies, communicate differently, and change their goals when necessary. Each party to the conflict is willing to try something different.
• Learning intention. People interact with an intent to learn instead of an intent to protect (themselves, their territories or other resources). Constructive conflict is viewed as a learning experience, albeit a difficult one, instead of something to painful to avoid, hide from, or protect yourself against.
• Resolution. When the conflict is constructive, people do not stay stuck in conflict. Instead, the conflict serves to bond parties together, define the group, clarify feelings about issues and processes and bring up the possibility of needed change.
• Self-concept. Constructive conflict enhances self-esteem in the participants. Each person feels more productive, has a more accurate picture of oneself and the other person involved, feels more self-worth (“We made it!”) and feels more connected to the other person.
• "We" over "me". Constructive conflicts are characterized by a relationship focus instead of a purely individualistic focus. When we acknowledge the importance of the relationship, it allows us to move to constructive conflict.
• Non-adversarial. Constructive conflict is primarily cooperative.

This site has a questionnaire to help you evaluate the conflict.

Using story for change. Some excercises to improve communication skills, and moderated email list for the study of interpersonal communication and small group dynamics. Here is a particularly well-written syllabus for a course on conflict resolution; and a very interesting site on using metaphor in mediation. This site is your guide to ethics, and this site addresses intractible conflicts

Comments

[anj]

My husband and I were taught this equation a few years ago.

Conflict + resolution = intimacy

We have modified it to:
Conflict + resolution (openness to differing)= trust which leads to intimacy.

Great post! I learned a lot from it.

[anj]

My husband and I were taught this equation a few years ago.

Conflict + resolution = intimacy

We have modified it to:
Conflict + resolution (openness to differing)= trust which leads to intimacy.

Great post! I learned a lot from it.