Friday morning's events were pretty harrowing. Without getting graphic, Orion didn't just lie there and stop breathing.
I was all stoic at the time -- the barn manager was pretty emotional, and I often take refuge in shutting down, getting hyper-rational, when others are at a high level of emotion. Orion was living at JumperGirl's dad's place,not the barn where JG rides, while he was on injured reserve. We'd planned to bring him back into work in January (after college apps were done, and when high school seniors often need more activities to keep interest high).
It wasn't the first time I'd seen a horse die. I've made the decision to euthanize five times. But euthanasia is different, because you know that the horse, although making agonal movements, isn't conscious, isn't suffering. I don't know how conscious Orion was, as he was pretty unresponsive by the time he arrived (didn't respond to his name or other stimuli), but -- uhm, the movements he made.
He was in such a state that no comfort could be given. There are a number ways to reduce horses' anxiety when they are injured or ill. One example is putting on a blindfold, another is providing an alternative stimulus, such as pinching loose skin ("twitching"). Orion was past those points.
Even if he had been comforted by a human's hand on his body, I'd have been cautious. He had sudden, convulsive movements from time to time, without warning (which leads me to believe they were not indicative of suffering, but were autonomic responses to death) but could have cause me injury.
All I could do was bear witness, and not shut down.
You know, I was lying on the bed with my dad, holding his hand, when he died. I don't think he was afraid, and I don't think he suffered. He died the first week in September, but he'd known that death was inevitable since late June. He'd had the time, and the mental capacity, to, to, to, I don't know, say what had to be said.
Staying present, not shutting out the feelings.
I finally told JG this afternooon-- she had play practice, then riding Claudius, then going to West Coast Martial Arts for Master Class and KJN Gary Nakahama's birthday party, then to hang with one of her pals. She cried a lot, and went to back to the barn hang with her pals who loved Orion.
What I have been catching myself thinking, today, is how sanitized death is in the modern era. When my grandmother was born in 1889, people were born and died at home. By the time she died in 1980, both births and deaths were largely in the hospital. But it is more than just that.
Death sells. Sanitized death sells. We see it again and again and again in various media -- Grand Theft Auto San Andreas, anyone?
I don't know where this post is going. Something about the denial of reality being endemic in our culture, and it leading us astray. Yes I am a proud member of the reality-based community, and I plan to stay that way. I like the tagline for the blog, The Reality Based Community: "Everyone is entitled to his own opinion, but not his own facts"
Death has always sold. Think about bearbating, or gladiatorial contests. Violence is contagious, according to Loren Coleman
"According to Coleman, the media's attitude is 'death sells... if it bleeds, it leads.' The author, who has written and lectured extensively on the impact of media, mounts a convincing case against newspapers, TV and books that sensationalize murders and suicides, thus encouraging others to imitate destructive crimes. He traces the problem's roots to Goethe's The Sorrows of Young Werther (1774), which spotlighted a fellow who shot himself over a failed romance and inspired many young men to do the same. The novel encouraged widespread use of the term 'the Werther Effect' when referring to copycat catastrophes. Coleman addresses Marilyn Monroe's 1962 death, pointing out that thanks to extensive coverage of the star's passing, 'the suicide rate in the United States increased briefly by 12%.' Other subjects include the 2002 Washington-area snipers John Muhammad and John Lee Malvo, whose actions spawned numerous sniper killings; suicide clusters among fourth-century Greeks; cult leaders [Jim Jones, Marshall Applewhite, and David Koresh] who attained gruesome glamour through melodramatic press perusal; Jack the Ripper -- who created copycat killers from the late 1800s into the 20th century -- and today's suicide bombers. Although readers may feel there's little they can do to muzzle media destructiveness, Coleman presents his advice to with enough punch to intrigue the public and possibly exert a minor influence on the press." -- Publishers Weekly
I don't know what I am trying to say here, other than suffering and death are real. They don't always have a point.
Contemporary culture both denies the reality of suffering and death, and commercializes it.
The latter two points make me sick.
Update Saturday Night: JG is home, back from her job, at 9:30. She's making some "in memoriam" pages for her friends who loved Orion, and seems pretty centered. She plans to get some good sleep, too.
Liz, I am so sorry to read about your loss. We missed you at coffee yesterday; it would have been nice to hear stories about Orion, but perhaps over that elusive lunch one of these days.
Thinking of you,
Posted by: squid | Friday, October 13, 2006 at 07:52 PM