A Message For SmockityFrocks

Update the last: Smockity posted the following on her blog on March 30, 2010:

From the very beginning, I have always wanted this blog to be a blessing, something to help others, and never to hurt. I wanted to make people laugh, even in the midst of parenting trials.

It has become evident that I have not achieved that goal. I have unintentionally caused hurt and pain and for that I am truly sorry.

When I described a situation I observed recently, I was seeing in my mind and describing on my blog behavior that I have witnessed dozens of times in my own seven children and hundreds of students during my eight years as a school teacher. The behavior I described was nothing more to me than childishness and impatience, but I can see now that the words I used were viewed as symptoms of autism and many people were offended.

The most grievous part, for me, is that this has brought dishonor to the name of Christ, and that is wholly the opposite of my life’s mission.

It is my sincere hope that this apology will bring healing and peace.

I am sure that it was a hard journey to get to that apology, which I find heart-felt.  I am grateful for her apology, and I share her wish for peace and healing.

Update #5 I have heard from a friend of Smockity's that she's received emails that attack her personally for her religious practices, or which call her vile names.  I fully and totally condemn such behavior, and have rebuked the commenters,  below, who tread a little too close to the line of attacking Smockity's person rather than condemning her statements.

Update #4 (#s 1, 2, & 3 are at the bottom) Smockity, if you happen to come here and read this, please know that in your post you  ridiculed behaviors (like toe-walking, hand-flapping, and perseverating) that many of my friends' children exhibit -- behaviors they can't control, any more than a child with paralysis can get up and walk normally,  or a blind child can see.  I dearly hope that you can come to imagine the hurt these parents encounter, and resolve to be more accepting and more welcoming in the future.

About a year ago, my real-life friend Squid, who has three children, one with autism,  wrote a post about a very harrowing trip she took to Costco, in which her middle child (with autism) had a meltdown.

Please know that if you see a child who looks too old to be having a tantrum going into full tantrum mode, there's a good chance that child is autistic. It's okay to watch and see if the adult has the situation under control

Squid's post changed my behavior. I now always offer to help when I see a family struggling as she did with her tribe of three. I don't care any more if I'm rebuffed -- the offer matters. 

The deal is here: many children with neurological challenges to their behavior appear to be perfectly normal.  Until you really have the tools to see.

Which brings us to today's topic: in which a homeschooling mother of seven observed a child, and did not see. She blogs at SmockityFrocks.  I want to be generous to this person, even though her post, In Which Smockity Considers Jabbing A Ball Point Pen Into Her Eye, made me feel....well, quite uncharitable. 

It's possible, given that her family homeschools, and possibly where she lives, she has never met a family affected by autism. That's the most generous view.

Let me review for you some pointers that a child may be affected by autism:

1. Toewalking  or walking on "tippy-toes"
2. Handflapping  or "stims", which may help a child with autism self-regulate
3. Repetitive strings of words or  "perseveration".
4. Urm.  I'm having a hard time capturing this.  OK: socially-awkward interactions
5. Behavior that is appropriate for a child months or years younger than the child appears to be

In her post In Which Smockity Considers Jabbing A Ball Point Pen Into Her Eye, the 4 year old girl she mocks and ridicules exhibits all five of the pointers above.  Does Smockity even consider this child might be...neurologically non-standard?  Nope.  It's mother's and grandmother's failure to parent well:

If you had a big mixing bowl and added 1 cup of overindulged, 1 cup of coddled, 1 cup of impatient, and a handful of annoying, stirred it up, rolled it out, and put it in a pan, your little Honeybun Adora-belle would be the tasty nugget that popped right out of the pan, and you are doing her a huge disservice in teaching her that what is not at all patient is what you call “patience”.

Sheesh. I've re-written this paragraph 10 times. Bless your heart, Smockity, that grandmother and granddaughter were doing as best they could.  How about you and your children?

And: What would Jesus say about your thoughts?

Elsewhere (Updated silently):

1. Storkdok: So this is what those Moms are thinking when they give me and my son "that look" 
2. Emily: Thou shalt not mock other people's children
3. Squid's roundup post and as a reminder, her manifesto on autism-mommy-blogging
4. Life with Joey Judgments Aside
5. Snarky Ignorance and Autism Awarenessfrom Asperger's 2 Mom.
6. We Interrupt Your Regularly Scheduled Programming from I Don't Need Excuses
7. What Those Snippy Typical Parents Are Thinking Behind Your Back from Terri Mauro, About.com's Special Children Guide
8. Huh.  When Life Gives You A Chance to Show Empathy, Get Defensive Instead from Kim Wombles at Countering Age of Autism
9. In Which A Mother Chooses A Mote Instead of A Pen from AustismHerd
10. All Eyes Are Upon You by Comfort in the Midst of Chaos
11. I Don't Often Post About Autism by Mitten Time
12. Why Yes We Are the Weird Ones by Kristina Chew at We Go With Him
13. Hey Parents of Autistic Asperberger's and other ASD Kids! Some of Us Parents of Typical Kids Get It! from Are You Going To Be This Way The Rest of the Time I Know You?
14. Want a little challenge? from Raising Complicated Kids
15. Judgement from Understanding My Son
16. In Which Squillo Considers Motes and Eyes at Confutata
17. I Wrote an Email to SmockityFrocks But William Erased it from Life As The Mother of Four
18. Yes, This is What It Feels Like by Papa Bear at Goldilocks and the Three Bears
19. Maybe It's Not Paranoia from Surviving the System
20. Compassionate Disapproval for the Autism-Ignorant from Fuschia with Yellow Polka Dots
21. Our Mall Meltdown, or Where I Tell SmockityFrocks Where To Go from 9.39
22. When Autistic Behavior Is Misunderstood by Jean Winegardener at Autism Unexpected (Washington Times)
23. Oh the Joys of Judgmental People by Down The Rabbit Hole
24. How A Person's Name Becomes an Adjective, by JennyAlice at Into The Woods, Living Deliberately
25. Hoping that Autism Awareness Brings Compassion and Understanding, by Velvet over Steel
26. Autism Awareness and the Smockity Flap, by Mom-NOS
27. The Legend of Smockity by Welcome To Normal: Population 0
28. An Eye for an Eye, by Rooster Calls, and Rooster Call's spouse's response to Smockity's apology
29. Smockity Frocks by My Brain Wants to Go Home
30. Smockity Hath Apologized -- Where Do We Go From Here?, by A Life Less Ordinary
31. Smockity Frocks Has Sincerely Apologized, and I Accept Her Apology by Storkdok
32. A Mocking Compassion by Corina Becker at No Stereotypes Here (also posted at Blogher)
33. What Little Man Has to Say to Smockity Frocks by Heart of a Child
34. Why Did The Blog Storm that Engulfed Smockity Erupt? by Life As the Mother of Four
35. Apology Accepted by Heart of a Child
36. A K & K Duet: Now What?  at Respect for Infinite Diversity (RFID)
37. The Ladies of RFID Note That Smockity Has Apologized Respect for Infinite Diversity (RFID)
38. The Weaving Together of A Community: A Linkapalooza and a Kickass Kumbaya, by Kim Wombles at BlogHer and at her Countering Mirror site
39. Honouring the Apology from Smockity Frocks, by Fuchsia with Yellow Polka Dots
40. An apology? by Mittentime
41. Smockity Apologized! by Down the Rabbit Hole
42. Apology Accepted, Appreciated and Admired by Tragedy? Not in This House?

Update #6:

Here's an antidote to the hard feelings engendered by Smockity's words:  Grace on Aisle Five, from Both Hands and a Flashlight, in which Tim encounters a welcoming person in the midst of flapping and echolalia

Two older posts on the rejection neurodiverse families face:  Can You Hear Me Now? an older post from diary of a mom and Oh, Those Insensitive Comments, by Chris Haynes at ApraxiaKids.com

Update #2: Smockity has taken down the post, replacing it with:

It has come to my attention that my motives are being slandered because of what I meant to be a humorous look at life around me. I do not speak for any group of Christians, homeschoolers, stay at home moms, or anyone else, nor am I interested in defending myself to strangers who believe they can judge my character from one post.

If you are interested in spreading Autism awareness please go to this link to make a donation.

Motives? Character? No, Smockity, you were being rebuked for your public statements. And the link takes you to Autism Speaks, an organization not well-liked loathed and reviled by many in the autism community.

Update #3: If you'd like to read Smockity's original post and all the comments, it's been preserved as a Google document,  here

Comments

[Club 166]

One can only hope that old Smockity comes off her high horse one of these days, Googles her name, and actually takes the time to read these posts and reflect a bit. And perhaps to see that "WWJD" might be just a bit different than how she proceeded.

Joe

[susan senator]

This goes right in, under my skin. So here comes a mean little limerick about her:

There once was a woman from Smockity
saw autism as something to mock-ety
Called a child in need "spoiled"
Couldn't see how the mom toiled
Her meanness popped my eyes from their sockety.

[storkdok]

Thank you, Liz. Thank you for your support. We have met far more people like you who offer to help or give us the "I'm so sorry it could totally be my kid and I feel for you" look! I've had some lovely Grandmothers say, "Been there, done that, bless your heart, Mom!"

Everyone can use a little compassion. I tried to cut Smockity some slack, until I read through the entire comment section. I wish I could give a hug to that Grandma who was doing a wonderful job with her granddaughter. They weren't doing anything that any normally, compassionate person would get upset about.

I like "sanctimommy", short, sweet and encapsulates the whole idea of my post in one word! I don't read general parenting blogs too much, it's probably a term that's been around a while.

As you know, I don't post routinely on my blog. Life is busy with my kids. But this got under my skin like a burr.

[Emily]

Liz, thanks for posting this and quoting her. I couldn't bring myself to do it. Susan...that's the best limerick I've ever read. Stork, thanks for posting, too. I think many of us felt that we could excuse one person, but the comments sent us over the edge.

[MelissaH]

From the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU for being one of those who offer to help instead of stare with a gaping mouth. Even if we say "no, I've got it", the gesture means volumes to us.

I, too, blogged about this:

http://bit.ly/bmjbTq

[Lily's mom]

As a mom with a 4 year-old child with autism, I know when people start staring and talking and have even been asked "what's the problem". I will happily get in their face and let them know this is what autism really looks like then ask if they have any other questions for me. You'd be surprised how many people quickly put there heads down in shame. What this child did in the story is exactly what my daughter does.

[Brownie]

I rabbit hopped the internet and came upon your blog - from another blog. Okay - I think it was the smockity that got my attention. I hope my little blog never gets that kind of attention!

Okay -really, your blog is interesting and I will pop in often.

My little guy hasn't been specifically "labeled" yet. We're at R/O ADHD, and another who thinks possible PDD.

To me he's just Red. and incredibly active and busy.

and the reason why I'm so tired....

[kathleen]

Thanks for putting all the links together..:)

[Gross]

What makes it worse is her disgusting friend who feels for Connie and mocks us all for "being rude and judgemental" and "obnoxious and clueless about tact." Is Nikki freakin' kidding me? This Connie writes a post like that and her friend has the nerve to blast OTHERS for lack of tact and being judgmental?? Get a clue who is clueless Nikki....it's not us!

This comment was left on the post below her now deleted post:

Nikki March 26, 2010 at 11:14 am

I’m sorry to hear that people are rude and judgemental about you and your opinions. Some people can be really obnoxious and clueless about tact. I personally think you’re fabulous. I love your posts, opinions, and your family. You rock Connie."

[Reply]

Liz writing here.

I've haven't been able to find the post from Nikki that you reference.

I I don't think Connie's friends were "disgusting", so much as "chiming in with the hurtful." It's hurtful that they agreed her mockery of a girl's atypical behavior was "hilarious" and "so funny".

I wonder if they will react the same way, now that they've heard from some mothers of children with autism.

Smockity is correct on one point: there are indeed undisciplined 4 year olds (and older) out there -- being indulged by their parents and caregivers.

[outoutout]

Excellent response!

Smockity's response to Jennifer at the very end is, unfortunately, typical of the responses I usually get when I speak up on these "mommy blogs". Her defensiveness and subsequent disclaimer (advocating donations to Autism Speaks!) is very telling. She and her band of Yes-Women remind me of the popular girls in high school.

I could go on and on about how people pass off rude & nasty behaviour as "humour".

[Stacii]

She is so undeserving. Its women like this who make me wonder why white trash women with no respect and/or values can pop kids out like Pez!! Screw you Smockity Frocks!
Liz here (the blog owner):

Stacii, I disagree with you. I wouldn't call Smockity "white trash" or "without values".

She was merely lacking in the ability first, to see clues of developmental disabilites; and second, when clued-in, to admit she may had been overly judgmental.

In sum, Smockity seems a bit defensive and thin-skinned.

[Barb]

I too came to this post sideways via a friend's blog and am likewise horrified by SmockityFrock's attempt at humor. In an attempt to be charitable, I'd say she isn't capable of taking what she dishes out. She can take pot-shots at a four-year-old, but when called on it gets huffy and snotty, and essentially takes her ball and goes home. If we're talking about identifying behaviors, I believe we'd call that BULLYING.

I don't have any children of my own, so I get the feeling that in her eyes, I don't have any right at all to comment on anything remotely related to children. But I do have about twenty years' experience in special education in private and public school settings, and all I know is that as soon as you think you know everything about ANYTHING, you're screwed. Especially if you think you can figure it out by observing a five-minute interaction. Excuse me, Smockity, but your ignorance is showing.

Liz writing here.

The conversation's getting confusing, so I'm editing comments to add my response to each comment. (Typepad doesn't yet have threaded comments, alas).

Barb, thanks for commenting.

I wouldn't say that SF was bullying.

As time has gone on and I've cooled off a bit, I want to be really clear. How can we invite the Smockitys of the world to see the disabled children in their midst? How can we invite Smockitys of the world to see that parents of disabled children sometimes have to parent differently, and accept slower progress to desired goal behaviors, such as patience?

[patti]

I haven't read Smockity's post but I did read this one. I am embarrassed to admit that if I saw a four year old having what looked like a tantrum (e.g. exhibiting the behaviours you mentioned above) my first thought would have been that the child was spoiled or...well... having a tantrum.

However, I never judge or blame anyone for the tantrum. I have twin teenagers as well as my 15 month old and I remember from the twins that all children will have a "breakdown" in public more than once, let alone kids that have a neurological challenge.

I would never have offered to help, though, as I wouldn't want to cause the parent anymore embarrassment than I know I would be feeling in their position.

Having read your post here, I will now be more aware of things like autism and other neurological disorders when I see a child struggling and, if it seems like the parent needs help, I will offer to help.

Thanks for opening my eyes.

Liz writing here.

The conversation is getting a bit confusing, so I'm responding to each comment in italics in the comment.

As MelissaH said above,

From the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU for being one of those who offer to help instead of stare with a gaping mouth. Even if we say "no, I've got it", the gesture means volumes to us.

[Jan]

http://save-a-lot.com/

I truly wonder if Save A Lot food store knew of her extreme bigotry before they invited her on over. This is her latest post as she not only ignores the hatred she spewed but essentially gives all parents of the disabled the middle finger by doing so. She's a zero.

Liz writing here.

Jan, I disagree with the "extreme bigotry" and "hatred" parts of your comment.

SF was naive about the signs of autism, and defensive when they were pointed out to her.

The latest post is still defensive. But you don't get past someone's defenses by going on the counter-attack.

What could be said to Smockity and her friends to open their hearts?

[Harmony]

OK, I'm going to have to disagree with most of you here. Smockity herself admits in the comments that she never even considered the girl was autistic and that she doesn't know much about it. And some of her commenters (who have autistic children) agreed that the grandmother could have handled the situation better. So what I don't understand is why the autistic community is ganging up on her like this instead of trying to educate?

I'm a friend of Smockity's, yes, but I also know a lot about autism. My mom works with autistic children and has for many years, and I read all of her autism research papers with her. I think some people have definitely overreacted to this. What we have here is ignorance on her part, not mean-spiritedness. Her blog is mostly funny stories from her life, and that's how she intended that post to come across. And if they girl had been NT, it would have been very funny.

I agree that, in light of all the signs of autism, the post was in bad taste. However she didn't know it at the time she posted it. And she's now taken it down and at least made an attempt (however paltry it seems to you) to educate herself through Autism Speaks.

And you know what? There are millions of other Americans who don't know about it either and who believe every 4-year-old who can't wait patiently is NT. I don't mind the people who are using this as an opportunity to educate, but I think that in some cases it's gotten way out of hand (more 30 hate e-mails, she told me, and I believe her based on some things I'm reading here).

So before you respond out of anger, take a deep breath. This is a great opportunity to teach Smockity and her readership about autism, but it's one that will be wasted if we are so rude about it we alienate them.

Liz here. Thank you, Harmony. Please invite Smockity to visit this blog or Squid's. who is getting a slightly different response.

As far as "more 30 hate e-mails" -- and some of the strong things said here -- my invitation is to view the emails and strong comments as cries of pain from wounded, wounded hearts. Years of rejection by other parents. Years of doing your best to find your child acceptance from other children. Years of wanting the best for your child, and having to settle for less-than-adequate.

So Smockity's post in a sense served as a lightening-rod. I hope that Smockity can see that some of the "hateful" emails and comments may have her name on them, but are directed really at others who have no name or no email address.

[Jan]

Sorry Harmony. It was mean spirited plain and simple. Even if she wasn't aware of autism the woman found humor in mocking a four year old. This Smockity is clearly extremely immature and a horrible example to her own children. The biggest farce is this woman claims to have been reading her bible. She better get going quick on that one!

Jan, I think "extremely immature" and "horrible" are too strong. She went for humor, missed the punt, and then didn't react well to clarification from her audience. That's all.

[Harmony]

Even if it was mean-spirited, that doesn't mean the response also has to be. I really think that does more harm than good in trying to get people to understand about autism. It makes people think autistic parents are hyper-sensitive, coddling, and permissive - which they're not!

I've seen it with my mom's students. The parents who are patient in educating others make much more progress. You don't win people over like this. It's hard enough trying to get people to understand autism as it is. Why do we make it harder by lashing back at people?

Liz here again. In addition to Squid, I do know Emily (http://daisymayfattypants.blogspot.com/2010/03/what-smockity-reveals-about-us.html), Storkdok (http://storkdok-nos.blogspot.com/2010/03/so-this-is-what-those-moms-are-thinking.html) and Kristina (http://autism.typepad.com/autism/2010/03/yes-we-are-the-weird-ones.html not in person, but through years of reading and commenting on their blogs.

They are mothers whose hearts have broken from their children being judged, mocked, ridiculed, and excluded.

As Emily said this morning:

What [the woman on the trail] t did that day hurt, it angered. I wanted to chase her down on the trail, confront her, ask her who in the hell did she think she was, hand her a pamphlet on autism, invite her to live our lives for awhile. The reverberations of that encounter went on for days. Even though two years have passed since that incident, I think about it every single time we walk by that water station. Lately, that's almost daily.

These cuts leave scars, and our scars accumulate with each passing year. Parents in our community have slandered our son at school and other places. They've mocked him to other parents, even to their own children. Even parents who know he's autistic have done this, without compassion. Their children, with knowledge in hand, have done the same. These cuts leave scars.

So, Smockity's words about a Child Like Our Own? They cut. Deep. They lay bare the anxiety under even the most bravura exhibition of I Don't Worry About What Others Think. They open wide the tightly closed door on all the worry, the concern, the awareness of other people's awareness of our children's differences. And they make clear that as much as we love and understand our children, as much as we believe in and live their right to be a part of their world, there are others out there who, prima facie, detest them, who judge us, who think of them only as brats or oddities or troublemakers or wanton litterbugs.

Harmony, isn't it possible for Smockity and your friends to see their pain and understand why they may have been more forceful and condemning to Smockity that she might feel comfortable with?

[Jan]

Because even after all of this the woman still offered no apology. She is arrogant and again, a horrible example to all.
Liz here again. While I found Smockity's behavior uncharitable, especially in the comments after the idea that the little girl may be on the autism spectrum, it wasn't horrible.

[Jelly]

Harmony,

It's clear from her responses to other people but she was to ignorant, arrogant and pig-heated to actually listen to what parents and other people had to say. I would have not found the NT story any funnier, you learn tolerance for all children. Because while Autsitic Children have meltdowns it doesn't keep NT ones from the same, it's never good to judge.

I also don't really find her blog funny? Regardless, she's all about being Christian but she's lacking the fundamental parts of it.

[Ally]

I looked at her blog. She seems to have tons of children and am I correct that she is having another one? Well....let's just hope the child isn't autistic because it sounds like Smockity just would not tolerate anything less than perfect in her eyes. She's a joke.
Ally, the number of children Smockity has is (a) her own business (b) irrelevant to the issue here. Besides, for all we know, her existing children may have special needs of one kind or anothers.

[Arby]

Arby, I added a couple of paragraph breaksSmockity Frocks tries to write a humorous blog. I frequently tell my children, humor is great until someone gets their feelings hurt. Writing humor is hard work, and when you write what you think is a funny essay, publish it, and get rebuffed, it stings. It is also difficult to handle when as a writer you are used to accolades and suddenly you are receiving criticism (and SF’s readers heap a lot of praise upon her). I know this from experience.

I hope that what is going on behind the scenes is that Smockity Frocks is embarrassed, ashamed, and is masking those feelings through anger and defiance. Those would be normal reactions in this situation. I will be very disappointed if her stance (and her post) is a reflection of her true feelings.

When I have been in the situation where I have written what I thought was a funny post and received an angry response from hurt readers, I apologized for what I wrote, removed the post, and moved on. That would be Smockity’s best course of action. It is clear that she did not recognize the signs of possible autism in the girl in the library.

I recall that the learning curve for special needs diagnoses is quite steep, and while things are clear and easy to see at the top of the curve, those at the bottom of the learning curve have to get over the deer in the headlights moment before starting the climb to greater awareness. Smockity Frocks is at the bottom of the curve. It remains to be seen whether or not she has the courage to learn more and readdress this issue in future posts.

Liz here:
Thanks for reminding us about the learning curve, Arby. It's always useful to be reminded that what I take for granted, another may not even know.

Arby also keeps a family blog I recommend to you all, Boarding in Bedlam.

[Ellen]

What's interesting to me about all the commentary is how much power it is giving to this particular blogger. There is no reason to think that she speaks for the parents of all "normal" kids. In fact, I suspect that she speaks only for the self-righteous, judgmental and mean-spirited mothers out there, and what do we care what they think? Have any of us cared about the opinions of that particular subset of humanity since we got out of high school?

That said, I think it's hard not to judge other parents by the standards we set in our parenting. For instance, every time I hear a mother denigrate or insult her child to enforce a particular behavior, I don't think, "There's a parent who knows how not to spoil a child." I think, "Oy, poor kid." But I don't blog about it--and if I did, it wouldn't be remotely funny.

Liz here. Thanks for commenting, Ellen.

As far as Smockity goes, I wonder if we (the readers who only know her from that one blog post) have misunderstood part of the heat of her own writing? One of the things she wrote was:

[Smockity's daughters were] glancing at me in confusion, wondering why the “patience” of the little girl looked exactly the opposite of what we teach as patience at our house. I willed them through ESP to hear my silent prayer, “Lord, PLEASE do not let any of them blurt out, “MAMA! That girl is NOT being patient at all!”

Thus concludes the story of “What Happens When Coddled Little Girls Are Over Praised For False Virtues”.

Later in a reply to Dana:

I don’t understand how it does a child any favors, no matter what their condition, to call something a virtue which is not. Perhaps the girl was using unusual self control in not having a temper tantrum, but I strongly disagree that she was being anything close to patient.

In other words, Smockity has a very strict definition of what "patience" or "patient behavior" consists of. This definition might have scriptural and/or theological roots. (I don't know, I'm just speculating here).

And I imagine Smockity's readership is mostly women, perhaps with large families or looking to have large families, looking for frugal good meals, looking for a similar outlook on life and childrearing.

And all of a sudden, her blog post is being read, and yes judged, by people who don't share this scriptural definition of patience and have a very different experience of childraising.

The rest of the reason why all the attention is being given to this one particular blogger I have explained in my responses to Harmony

[Ally]

Ally, I edited your comment to make it a little easier to read
Smockity Frocks January 12, 2009 at 8:43 pm

Jessica, When someone says something like that, I just stare in silence until they start to squirm uncomfortably. I wonder if their mothers never taught them “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.”

Oh my, look at her own words from her own blog back in January. This is how Smockity feels when people judge her as to why she has so many children. Maybe Smockity should take her own advice.

[Elise]

If Harmony returns I would like to add one more comment about her friend. It is not even the fact that she is so unaware of what was going on with that child, when someone else mentioned something about autism, she pulls up an article about Temple Grandin and decides to teach evryone how to raise an autistic child. It is ignorant, insulting and self-rghteous on her part. Then to say she is being slandered, quite frankly it is not slander to call someone out for something they wrote and give your opinion of them. The problem with your friend is that she was the one being hateful and when she got it back she couldn't handle it. While none of us ever think of ourselves as bad people, when it is pointed out that we have done something, however, unintentional to harm someone else either physically or mentally, then an apology is inorder. It is called being a grown up, your friend should try it. Being able to apologize for the hurt you cause is more a sign of righteousness and adulthood then how many babies you can bare.

[Harmony]

"In other words, Smockity has a very strict definition of what "patience" or "patient behavior" consists of. This definition might have scriptural and/or theological roots. (I don't know, I'm just speculating here)."

Liz, this is exactly right. Thank you for your responses. And I think every single mom of an autistic child has the right to be angry when their children are judged by the rest of the world. All I ask is that, in their anger, they don't resort to personal attacks (some of which I detailed to you in my email).

[G]

Part of what Smockity states is this--"nor am I interested in defending myself to strangers who believe they can judge my character from one post."

BUT Smockity thinks it's perfectly fine to judge a child after seeing her only for minutes in a library. THAT'S ok somehow. Sorry but that's one big hypocrite.

[Adoption of Jane]

I now have a headache. Compassion for Smockity ru serious? How about Compassion for Children, special needs or not. I dont condone nor participate in email attacks, but i do have to say the same comment i made on another blog:

However Smockity’s post goes beyond Autism & Special Needs. It’s hypocritical to her own religion. I have no compassion for Smockity but I do believe everyone has the right to say what they want on their own blog. With that said if you don’t want to respect all comments why have comments available at all. My problem with SF is I found Smockity to be a scary and dangerous individual. I am a person of color, have an autistic child, and am low income. By Smockity’s Snarkiness I can just envision the Eyerolling I’d get from such a “Good Christian Woman.” By the way the only “disability” disrupting my home is an atypical tween.

Besides that I am over it. If anyone would like to participate in awareness visit my blog for Weekend Warriors.

[Accidental Expert]

This really got to me when I first read it last night. It moved me to write my own post about intolerance.

Thanks for bringing this to our attention is such a graceful way. You took the high road.

Now that I've calmed down from my original reaction, I only hope that that this mom will take this experience and learn from it.

Many of us Christians believe there are no coincidences. Hopefully she will realize she was rebuked for a reason, and learn and grow.

[Chris]

I tried to post a few times, but it does not like my data. I tried linking to an essay I wrote in 2001 about insensitive comments that is on the Apraxia-kids website. I did get it on Squid's blog.
Liz here.
Sorry about Typepad not liking your data -- that happens to me every once in a while and I have no idea why. I put the link to the Apraxia article up in the body of the post.

[jess]

thank you for sharing this. it’s so hard to see the way our kids can be perceived by those who have no understanding of the challenges they face.

it was nearly two years ago that michael savage spewed his bile about our children on the radio. i wrote a response then that i think is worth reiterating here. we need to keep talking, sharing, building bridges and creating understanding.

it’s hard for those of us who are steeped in this world to believe that there are still people like this woman out there. but indeed, the campaign for awareness is a long road. much as we think that there can’t be anyone left in the world who would still judge or ridicule a child displaying these kinds of behaviors, well – this is simply proof that our work is far from done.

here’s the post i mentioned above –

http://adiaryofamom.wordpress.com/2008/07/22/can-you-hear-me-now-is-this-thing-on/

Liz here -- I put it in the body of the post, above

[Kari]

Without making any judgment about Smockity herself, the idea that she didn't realize the girl might be autistic simply shows what the general public believes. It shows WHY so many of us "autism parents" feel alone.

It highlights the shame we caregivers feel when our children are having an "off" day. It shows that our fears that others are judging us as being bad parents are not unfounded. Because, in Smockity's post, those fears were illustrated.

When my son was young, I heard "what a brat!" and even stronger comments muttered under people's breath. Some people approached me with their harsh words directly.

I tried to stay out of public when my son was small, but unless we wanted pizza delivery every night, it was necessary to sometimes venture into the grocery store, and so forth. Besides - if we always avoided public places, how could I teach my son to behave in the socially-appropriate manner?

More than anything, I'm sad. Because I AM a good mother. When my son was young, I jumped through many hoops that most parents need not jump. I worked hard to help him. It crushed me - for example - when after he had a fabulous day, I took him out for a "Victory Dinner" and another mother lambasted him for his funny noises and wondered why I couldn't "control" my son. I wanted to exclaim that for him, his behavior was stellar that evening! But instead, we left the restaurant. Because as "autism parents" know, things can escalate quickly, such that a hasty retreat is probably the best option, even if it means that the people who judge will "win."

[Chris]

Thanks, Liz for this compilation. Reading them has brought back memories of my encounters with others.

Like the older woman at the post office who got mad at me for reminding my sons to stay seated while I was in line. It was a long time ago, but I think I asked her if she wanted my children to run out to the busy street and/or if she would kindly keep them still while I waited in line. I do remember she huffed loudly at me.

And here I was thinking I was doing well by keeping them in the chairs by voice, and not by force!

[Jelly]

I did make a post about it, though I am not a parent but a person on the spectrum.. I'm not sure if it's okay that someone who is not a parent to make a post about it but.. here is mine:

http://prettyawkwardsilences.blogspot.com/2010/03/oh-joys-of-judgmental-people.html

[mandi]

Liz, thank you for your work in compliling links regarding Smockety's post. I have been kind of blog jumping here and there about her post and it is amazing how much is being blogged about it. You know, I think that a great thing came out of all of this though. Being a parent of a 7yr (almost 8) with asd who would have responded exactly like that 4-yr-old girl, I feel the stares and the passive-aggressive attitude and its the lonliest feeling :( But thanks to her blog, an entire group of mothers (and dad,s I'm sure) have banded together and I see we are not alone. I agree that personal attacks are NOT the way to go. I also, feel the parents and their anger. That's partially why I didn't post a response to her blog. I was too angry and I might say things I regret. So I read that she deleted that post from her blog? The best thing she could do is to leave it up and post a humble apology. Of course its hard and not fun but she would earn all my respect. On top of that, think of all of her readers. Think of the lesson and values that they woudl learn! These readers who think she is so great! If she apologized maybe those readers who supported her would learn to look at such situations in a new light and not judge kids right away.

Again, great job on your work to compile all of this. God Bless!!

Mandi
http://mygreatvillage.com/

[Heidi]

Heidi posted SmockityFrock's real name and location here, without including her own lastname, location, or a valid email. I have redacted Smockity's information. This isn't really about Smockity -- she's just the face and the voice of hundreds of thousands of people who do not fully accept the disabled, and blame disabled children's parents for the children's less-than-perfect behavior

The fact that C*** Lastname from State (let's just call her out for who she really is) did not apologize and seems to have no intention of apologizing shows her immaturity and arrogance. Anyone who would use their blog to attack a child, autistic or not, has some serious issues. She's no Christian in my book.

[lifeasthemotherof4]

Thanks for collecting links. I enjoyed reading different perspectives.

[Coreen Trost]

Thank you for all you have done with the 'awaken' situation. My youngest son and I have delt with people like that for the last 20 years. It make get easier to deal with, but never any less painful. My son is an awesome, kind young man, who would never treat anyone the way he has been treated. So proud of him! Wish people looked at him and said Wow, look how far he's come... instead of OMGosh he has a long ways to go. Glass half full.. not half empty. Again, he is a Great young man that has a lot to teach this world! :-)
Hugs to you and all you've done with this! ~ Coreen

[jennyalice]

Thanks for tracking all of this Liz, as usual you have a rather fair hand.

I am so pleased to see, what I think is a heart-felt apology.

I have decided not to take down my post, though I did attach her recent note into the post so readers might know that she apologized.

I can only hope that any people have been changed, or at least a tiny bit altered by all of these interactions.

Best-
jennyalice

[Nikki]

She didn't know the child was autistic. And we are all just speculating this anyhow. Many people post about what they feel are annoying situations that they come across.

I am grateful that this is bringing more light to autism and the struggles autistic children and their parents go through. I have a nephew with autism who means the world to me. I see how much his parents struggle and also how much they rejoice in his accomplishments.

I think it's terrible what we are all flinging at each other.

John 8:7 "... He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her."

I am too deeply sorry for any I have offended.

This comment was me:

"I’m sorry to hear that people are rude and judgemental about you and your opinions. Some people can be really obnoxious and clueless about tact. I personally think you’re fabulous. I love your posts, opinions, and your family. You rock Connie."

I was completely ignorant in posting a comment about something I knew nothing about. All I knew was that my dear friend had received a host of hate mail and nasty comments. Knowing her intentions and her heart, I know that she would not intentionally hurt anyone's feelings.

Liz- if you are looking for the post I commented on, it can be found here http://www.smockityfrocks.com/2010/03/get-ready-for-more-whats-in-your-crockpot.html. I did not mean that she "rocks" for saying mean things about an autistic child. I had no idea the girl was autistic. I mean she/herself is a great person, trying her best, laughing at the frustrating, pressing forward, trying to do the will of the Lord.

And whoever left the anonymous comment on my blog saying they hoped I got an autistic child one day of my own and hoped people will be understanding and not mean like Connie and myself, and then proceeded to call me a scumbag, well, I am sincerely sorry I upset you so. Please accept my apology.

[alittlelate!]

http://mittentime.blogspot.com/

I completely disagree with you about the sincere apology. I think Mittentime says it best.

[Caitlin]

www.welcome-to-normal.com
I've posted "The Legend Of Smockity Frocks" for World Autism Awareness Day. I think a lot of good can come out of the Smockety debacle.

[mary]

that Smockity post has to be the single most upsetting blog I've ever read. The next time my son flaps his hands in public and has a hard time, can he and I look forward to being mocked globally, via the internet?

Where is the love in this world?

[jeremy cole]

I wrote an open letter to Smockity and sent it to her on the day of the apology, urging her to find the good in this by telling others what she's learned about our struggles and speaking out for us and our kids on Autism Awareness Month. No reply. Crickets. I also posted the comment below on the Smockity Facebook page. I found out she deleted it when a woman wrote me to express her surprise and disappointment that it had been taken down. It's her page so she can delete what she likes. I just find it telling. Taken together with her half-apology (of the "I'm sorry you were offended by something that wasn't really offensive" variety) it paints a picture of someone who isn't ready to take responsibility and certainly doesn't want to foster a dialogue. She'd rather turn off comments on her blog and delete them from her Facebook page. Here's my original comment. Judge for yourself:

I'm glad to see people coming together here to discuss - especially those that don't think the post was a big deal. I don't think it was Connie's intent to offend, and that is the essence of why autism awareness is so important. Autism is sometimes called "the invisible disorder" because our kids can seem perfectly "typical." As a result, they're often labeled as spoiled. Even teachers, experienced mothers and pediatricians can miss it. That's why today is the start of National Autism Awareness Month.

I think most people can agree that publicly mocking any child is in poor taste. It's also important to acknowledge the medium in which the comments took place - a blog on the internet. This was not an idle comment passed between like-minded friends over coffee. This was more like an ad plastered on a billboard by the freeway.

Whether the child was actually autistic or not is not really important. A child with sun glasses and a white cane might not be blind but writing a mocking post about her bumping into furniture would rightly enrage parents of blind children. For the autism community, and most sensitive people, saying that a child's excessive hand flapping might lead to the "first recorded case of self-propelled human flight" just isn't okay. Comments with "ROTFLMAO" (rolling on the floor, laughing my ass off) are, likewise, very hurtful. Perhaps more so.

Lastly, for people on either side of this discussion to frame it as "judgemental Christians vs. autism" or "Satan" vs. Christ is just inflamatory and beside the point.

I hope the net result of this discussion will be a pause in defensiveness that allows for some introspection about the people we aspire to be and how we want to treat others.

[Sandy]

I wanted to give Smockity the benefit of the doubt and I took her apology at face value. However I think that my first reaction to her apology (the feeling that it was half hearted and intended only to stop people from complaining about her insensitivity) is accurate. Just look at her facebook page under the apology link. Most comments from her fans suggest the apology wasn't necessary and when an autism parent posted an informative message about autism being an invisible disability, the message was removed by Smockity. This tells me she doesn't care at all. She kept the post that referred to those of us that complained as "satan". The apology is completely insincere IMO.

We have a long way to go in terms of autism awareness.

[Jenn]

Thank You for blog.. I was reading MOM-NOS when I cam upon the Smockity flap and MOM-NOS and a link to your blog. Our son was diagnosed living w/ autism just over a year ago. the one good thing Smockity has done is open the door to new parents/ bloggers for me to meet and introduce myself to. I knew the world of autistic parents was out there just not where.. now I know.

[Jeremy Cole]

I wrote the post that Smockity took down from her Facebook page. She replied to another commenter's questions about it, explaining that it was removed because I inaccurately quoted one of the comments on the original "Pen in the Eye" post as saying, "ROTFLMAO". She's right. The commenter actually said, "Oh, I just picked myself up off the floor where I fell while laughing so hard." My bad.

Smockity went on to write, "If you would like to post untrue statements, feel free to do them on your own blogs or forums. I won't allow it here."

I've lost all hope that Smockity can find it in herself to own her mistakes or to turn this thing into a positive by spreading a little awareness.

Realtime update here -- literally, as I wrote that last line a coworker who's a friend on Facebook stopped by and said, "I saw that open letter you wrote to Smockity Frocks..."!!! (you can read it here):

http://roostercalls.blogspot.com/2010/03/guest-post-j-speaks-out-for-good.html

That triggered a whole discussion about how his wife has been going nuts over this whole Smockity thing despite the fact that their kid is NT. How they look at kids they see acting out a little differently now.

Thank you, Smockity.

[father of four]

Liz, I am not religious, but Jesus is with you.

[Michelle O'Leary-Sherman]

You can add my blogpost to the list:

http://franciesixtoes.blogspot.com/2010/05/yet-another-letter-to-smockity-about.html

[Doug Copp]

You simply cannot believe a word Liz Ditz says. She is such an outrageous liar. She has already 'sold her soul to the devil' to get hits//attention to her cruel and nasty blabbering.

Go to http://dougcopp.wordpress.com/2010/10/22/liz-ditz-came-out-of-hiding/

and read about this disgusting person. We intend to expose her to everyone she has harmed..p;ease contact us, in this campaign.

doug copp

[Nasli]

Her blog was very upetsting, the child disabled or not shouldn't have been made fun of.. everyone has their bad days. I wrote a response of my own, though I am not a parent but a person who is diagnosed with Autism I was not pleased with that blog at all.

[Che]

There are still a lot more hateful "insights" on there than there are vopitise insights. I worry that it's generally accepted that when folks ask somebody to "tell their story" about autism it means they're asking for horror stories. I don't think half these parents realize what they're doing when they tell the horror stories -- they may be doing what they think is expected of them, following the example. And it seems they think if they preface or conclude their stories with "I don't know what to do because I love him dearly" or "I think she is beautiful just the way she is", it'll somehow cancel out the negativity --?My absolute favorite "insight" is from this little gal here -- it's a kid's biography of a kid: "I am 9 and my brother Duncan is 7 and he is autistic. I like him, he is fun and we are best friends. We like to play together with my other brother on our trampoline and to run around and to go on our scooters and bikes. He likes to play with his trains and he likes it when we read stories to him. He's good at drawing and doing things on the computer. He doesn't like big bangs or when me or anybody else cries. I don't think his autism is a problem."