I am so grateful to the autistic adults who are sharing the reality of their lives with the public. One who has been especially generous is Steve Summers. What follows is a guest post from Steve chez Autismum. I've added my commentary. (The indented text is by Steve Summers, the full-width text is my commentary.)
Autism and Conversational Differences – Eye Contact, Personal Space & Processing Speed
Autism can be a social disability for me. Here are a few issues that I have recently noticed during some social interactions with others in small group conversations.
1. Eye contact — I can make brief eye contact, but it takes a conscious effort to do so. I have to make myself look at other people’s eyes, it doesn’t come naturally. I prefer to look at mouths. My eyes dart about and don’t sustain direct eye contact. If my wife is involved in the conversation, I prefer to look at her face instead of other people’s faces. I will glance at the other people and then return to her face.
I can frequently see when other people start getting uncomfortable with my gaze flitting about. Women, in particular, seem to adjust the necklines of their tops because they notice my gaze is below the gaze line to their eyes. I guess that they assume that if a male is looking below their eyes, that we are looking at the chest area. They don’t realize that I am looking at their mouth and all around the room as well. My darting eyes seem to be unsettling for many people.
I think Steve for the clarity of his statement. I have an unconscious habit of maintaining fairly strong eye contact when I am in a conversation, especially if the conversation has emotional content. Because I can see Steve in my mind's eye, I will (I hope) be better in conversations about being mindful of how I look at the person I'm speaking to.
The "darting eyes" feature is another one to be mindful of -- I tend to assume that a person who does that is nervous, or anxious, or wants to leave my company. Of course, I only notice that because I am looking into eyes..hmmn. Changing my conversational behavior might make conversations more comfortable for both parties.
2. Personal space — I notice that other people tend to stand too close to me. I feel comfortable with my wife at that distance, but it makes me uncomfortable when other people stand very close to me. I have been in several conversations involving my wife and one other person and I find myself wanting to move away from the other person because they are often nearly shoulder to shoulder with me.
I am usually pretty good about personal space, as I don't like to be too close to people I don't know well. But I do edge closer in noisy spaces, given that as I've gotten older, it is harder to pick out spoken language from the background hum.
3. Processing speed — I often take a few extra seconds to process all of the information that is coming in from another person. I often have to consciously work out what they are saying and what the tone and inflection in their voice means in context with their words. I don’t always pick up on their body language either.
Most non-autistic people seem to do this without thinking about it. For them it is automatic, and in the background of their minds. For me, it takes some of my focus and attention. These issues often cause me to take a little (or a lot) of extra time to formulate a reply.
Reading Steve's words reminded me of the work of audiologist Ray Hull, Ph.D., who has studied auditory comprehension in children and typically-developing adults. Hull wrote,
"The problem is that adults are speaking at a rate that a child's central nervous system, or their brain, cannot comprehend. Adults, for example, generally speak at a rate of about 160 to 170 words per minute. Whereas, the child's central nervous system can process speech at a rate of about 124 words per minute."
I am not saying that Steve's nervous system is like a child's. I am saying that many people (myself included) unconsciously talk more rapidly than our conversational partners can listen. It is a reminder to slow down my speech and to wait, attentively, while my conversational partner thinks through what I have said, and formulates a response. Rapid cross-talk isn't a sign of intelligence or superiority, it is a sign of ill manners.
In group conversations, this delay often means that the conversation has already moved on and I am too late to add my input to the the conversation. If I speak out in that case, it is out of step with the others and seems like I am moving the conversation backwards. It becomes a source of frustration and/or awkwardness. Other times, people just don’t understand the delay in my reply.
Some people don’t know what to make of these slightly out of synchronization communication issues that I have. As a result some will interrupt me or simply walk away before I have made my point. That is very distressing and feels disrespectful to me. I don’t deserve to be ignored and made to feel insignificant, or invisible to others. I want to be included and treated as an equal human being.
Please take these autistic communication issues into consideration and accept that I do want to talk. I enjoy conversing and interacting with friends and acquaintances. With just a little understanding and acceptance, I can be included and not made to feel bad about my conversational difficulties.
I for one resolve to do better in all my conversations with all people.
Steve Summers' guest posts at Autismum:
I was diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome (part of the Autism Spectrum) as an adult. I was diagnosed following my 11-year-old son’s diagnosis with Aspergers. I am happy to have my diagnosis. It was like a light being turned on that illuminated my entire life in a new way. Now I understand why I never really ‘fit in.’ It is like having a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders to have my diagnosis. – Steve Summers
- 10 Tips on How to Communicate with Autistic People
- Don't Sweat the Small Stuff
- I am Autistic and I Am Tired
Steve Summers on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/Steve.R.Summers?fref=ts
Steve Summers on Twitter https://twitter.com/AlohaWaimea
Steve Summers on Google+ https://plus.google.com/115911862705754942916/posts
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