I Speak of Dreams

The Essence of Differentiation

There is an important idea to make more mainstream: Murray Bowen’s notion of differentiation, which indicates the ability to be emotionally objective, that is, to be caring and intimate, while being nonreactive and separate

A person with a well-differentiated "self" recognizes his realistic dependence on others, but he can stay calm and clear headed enough in the face of conflict, criticism, and rejection to distinguish thinking rooted in a careful assessment of the facts from thinking clouded by emotionality. Thoughtfully acquired principles help guide decision-making about important family and social issues, making him less at the mercy of the feelings of the moment. What he decides and what he says matches what he does. He can act selflessly, but his acting in the best interests of the group is a thoughtful choice, not a response to relationship pressures. Confident in his thinking, he can either support another's view without being a disciple or reject another view without polarizing the differences. He defines himself without being pushy and deals with pressure to yield without being wishy-washy.

Why is this important for parenting? Because when your kid throws a hissy fit, you don't get hooked; you can stay calm.

What does this have to do with The Epidemic (my post and Shaw's page)? The over-indulging parents aren't differentiated from their kids--they percieve the kids as extensions of their own selves, and give the kids what the parent wanted in phantasy.

In other words, the spoiling parents don't stop and reflect, they just do.

Accelerated Learning

I didn't go looking for this site, I found it through my referral logs; this site is # 10 and I am #102

Sean Whiteley says,

I've been researching and using accelerated learning for the past 10 years, for a wide variety of topics - from flight training to IT consulting. One thing that has continued to surprise me, over the years, is that there is not one single reference that covers, in detail, all the major contributors to faster learning. I believe this website, and Memletics, is one of the first (if not the first) that combines research from several areas of human performance into one comprehensive learning system.

I am not endorsing this guy. I don't know enough about him or what he calls "Memletics", but he has some good web pages and some interesting suggestions.

Miracle Cures and Quackery

Regular readers have gotten thedrift that there are some widely-touted treatments (especially for dyslexia and autism) that I don't hesitate to label quackery. Here's another list:

Characteristics of "Miracle Cures" The approach is discovered through a personal epiphany. The approach is proclaimed useful for a large range of ailments. The developers establish lucrative training institutes and insist on trainee secrecy. The developers inspire the founding of professional societies to promote the approach. The developer offers pro bono therapy in the face of criticism. Poor results in objective studies are blamed on poorly trained researchers or inadequate research design. Others appraisals of the method/approach vary from extremely positive to extremely negative.

The parent website is also an interesting place, if you have an interest in how beliefs and perceptions intersect.

The loser's guide to getting lucky

The loser's guide to getting lucky By Professor Richard Wiseman,University of Hertfordshire My research eventually revealed that lucky people generate good fortune via four principles. 1. They are skilled at creating and noticing chance opportunities; 2. make lucky decisions by listening to their intuition; 3. create self-fulfilling prophesies via positive expectations, and 4. adopt a resilient attitude that transforms bad luck into good.

Here are Professor Wiseman's four top tips for becoming lucky:
Listen to your gut instincts - they are normally right
Be open to new experiences and breaking your normal routine
Spend a few moments each day remembering things that went well
Visualise yourself being lucky before an important meeting or telephone call. Luck is very often a self-fulfilling prophecy

via Notes from a 30-something, salsa dancing, irish fiddling, Keynesian, suburban Anglican Epicurean vicar

Another "Positive Psychology" (PP) site

I've toldy you about Flylady. Here's another one: The Positive PlanPersonalized Services for Health, Fulfillment & Performance Enhancement

If:
You're yearning for more from life,
You want to live fully and experience joy, meaning and fulfillment,
You want to take control of your life, your health, your weight,
You want to live by your own rules, and make better choices,
You want life to be easier and to flow more naturally,
You want to find your purpose, and live "on purpose",
You're tired of taking care of everything in your life, except yourself,
You've been too busy and overwhelmed to enjoy the life you worked so hard to build,
You're ready to thrive rather than to simply exist,
If any of these statements rings true for you, then you're ready for a better life, and you can begin living it.
TODAY!
When you want more from life you need a plan.
The Positive Plan!
Welcome!

I'm Dr. Michelle Marks, a Licensed Psychologist and Life Coach.

You Can't Feel That Way Cause I Already Feel Worse

Getupgrrl's done it again.<blockquote>The "Grief is not a competitive sport, dumbass" Award goes to I., who felt compelled to note that her miscarriage was "much more upsetting" than my miscarriages, because she already had a child and hence "truly understood" the implications of a miscarriage

She has said very clearly something I have been thinging about. No, not the miscarriage (too late for that)but the competitive emotional exchange.

I am going to do my very best to swear off such exchanges, and to point out to my interlocutors when they try to pull it.

Curves

I've just joined Curves.  I was dismissive of the whole thing, but then realized I wasn't making time for weight-bearing exercise very often.

I weigh more (159 lbs) now than I did when I gave birth to my daughter (144 lbs.)  Time to change.  Also, I want to be a lively and fit elderly person in 20 years.

Use it or lose it

Here's a PDF  article from Time that explains the concept more clearly